Do we care more about the welfare of others or the approval of others?

“It's a game

Baby, it's just a game

And nobody loses

When you learn to love the one

Who finally wins sometimes”

-Brandi Carlile from her song “Letter to the Past”

Maurice Elias, a professor in the Rutgers University Psychology Department, is an advocate for promoting kindness in schools. 

He said:

As a citizen, grandparent, father, and professional, it is clear to me that the mission of schools must include teaching kindness. Without it, communities, families, schools, and classrooms become places of incivility where lasting learning is unlikely to take place.... We need to be prepared to teach kindness, because it can be delayed due to maltreatment early in life. It can be smothered under the weight of poverty, and it can be derailed by victimization later in life...Kindness can be taught, and it is a defining aspect of civilized human life. It belongs in every home, school, neighborhood, and society.

Does kindness matter? What kinds of people, traits, qualities are considered admirable and influential? What consistent messages might teens be hearing and learning about kindness? 

According to Harvard’s Making Caring Common Report, based on a survey of 10,000 middle and high school students from 33 schools representing diverse youth from across the nation, and on hundreds of conversations with and observations of youth, parents, and teachers over the last 10 years. 

This report reveals some insightful conclusions about what youth are learning about kindness. 

•A large majority of youth across a wide spectrum of races, cultures, and classes reported that they value aspects of personal success—achievement and happiness—over caring for others.

•Teens’ negative perceptions of peer and adult norms can lower their own ethical standards, prompting them to cheat and setting in motion a downward spiral.

•Most youth give fairness little weight in contrast to other values.

•Youth are 3x more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: ‘My parents are prouder if I get good grades than if I’m a caring community member.’

•“In the real world, successful people do what they have to do to win”-57% of high school students agree with this statement.

•About 80% of the youth in the survey reported that their parents are more concerned about achievement or happiness than caring for others.

•A similar percentage of youth perceive teachers as prioritizing students’ achievements over their caring. 

I often ask myself this question: Is the amount of caring I express out of balance with the amount of action I take? Do actions speak louder than words? How have my actions and/or inactions influenced my own son? 

How about social media’s influence on kindness? Too much of what we see on social media is performative. Performative activism is activism done to increase one's social capital rather than because of one's devotion to a cause. It is often associated with surface-level activism, referred to as slacktivism.

Slacktivism is the practice of supporting a political or social cause by means such as social media or online petitions, characterized as involving very little effort or commitment.

There are many forms of slacktivism that have been criticized largely for passivity. According to Wikipedia, these include engaging in online activities such as "liking," "sharing," or "tweeting" about a cause on social media, signing an Internet petition, copying and pasting a status or message in support of the cause, sharing specific hashtags associated with the cause, or altering one's profile photo or avatar on social network services to indicate solidarity. 

Slactivism was first used in 1995 and was intended as a positive connotation. A shortened derivative of the phrase slacker activism, it was meant to explain activities by young people to affect society on a small, personal scale (such as planting a tree, as opposed to participating in a protest).

According to the Cambridge dictionary, virtue signaling is defined as “an attempt to show other people that you are a good person, for example by expressing opinions that will be acceptable to them, especially on social media.” Virtue signaling often leads to being perceived as sanctimonious and disingenuous. 

Rob Henderson has coined the term “luxury beliefs” or the newest status symbol for privileged Americans. He developed this idea based on his experiences going from foster care, to adoption, to the military, to Yale University, and now studying at Oxford. 

Henderson explains the concept of luxury beliefs as a form of virtue signaling. He writes,  

“In the past, upper-class Americans used to display their social status with luxury goods. Today, they do it with luxury beliefs. People care a lot about social status. In fact, research indicates that respect and admiration from our peers are even more important than money for our sense of well-being. We feel pressure to display our status in new ways. This is why fashionable clothing always changes. But as trendy clothes and other products become more accessible and affordable, there is increasingly less status attached to luxury goods. The upper classes have found a clever solution to this problem: luxury beliefs. These are ideas and opinions that confer status on the rich at very little cost, while taking a toll on the lower class. One example of luxury belief is that all family structures are equal. This is not true. Evidence is clear that families with two married parents are the most beneficial for young children. And yet, affluent, educated people raised by two married parents are more likely than others to believe monogamy is outdated, marriage is a sham or that all families are the same.”

*******

Over 90% of residents on the island of Nantucket are concerned about the local effects of climate change.

Some residents of the island of Nantucket off the coast of Massachusetts filed a lawsuit to block the building of wind turbines in Nantucket sound. The 800-megawatt Vineyard Wind project estimated that the project was expected to create enough electricity to power 400,000 Massachusetts homes annually using clean energy.

Residents were concerned about the impact on whales. Fishermen were concerned about the impact the turbines would have on their ability to fish.

In a statement, Francis Pullaro, the Executive Director of RENEW Northeast, revealed that the real motivation of opposition was “aesthetics.” He cited how the local environmental organization had done a thorough and rigorous review of these issues. He added that the residents of Nantucket who filed the lawsuit feel fine about having wind farms as long as they are farther from the coast.

I live in Massachusetts. Under Massachusetts law, every city and town is required to have 10% of their housing as affordable. Known as the Comprehensive Permit Law, or by its nickname “Anti-Snob-Zoning Act” Chapter 40B was enacted in 1969 to help address the shortage of affordable housing statewide by reducing unnecessary barriers created by local approval processes, local zoning, and other restrictions.That is, instead of building in new subdivisions single-family homes, you build multi-family, affordable, apartment units.

In 1998, only 24 of the state’s 351 cities and towns had hit or surpassed the 10-percent mark. That’s less than 7 percent of the communities in Massachusetts. After 28 years, 93% of Massachusetts cities had not achieved the program goal of 10%.

Housing is an equity and affordability issue. Obviously these issues are nuanced and complicated. But are these luxury beliefs? 

Why might people support these issues in theory, but not in practice?

Scott Seider conducted a study to understand how privileged adolescents conceive of their obligations to others. This was published in the Journal of Research and Character Education.

While a very small sample size, he found that the majority of 17 and 18-year-old adolescents from a privileged suburban community conceived of themselves as possessing little or no obligation for the well-being of those who are less fortunate. The teens offered many justifications for their beliefs that ranged from defense of capitalism, to the belief that one’s obligations are limited to family and close friends.

So how important is promoting kindness in school?